Saturday, January 16, 2016

I Write Because I'm Free



    I love writing but hate hand cramps. I am much faster at typing but typing seems so much less intimate. Hand writing allows you to slow down and enjoy every work, the old-time feel of writing letters that are permanently engraved onto a fresh, unused page of journal paper. A journal that is all yours where you can say anything you'd like without fear of judgment. A place to return to and reflect upon your past and see how much you have grown. There are a lot of reasons I choose not to journal, though. 

       I don't like making a mess of my dining room table with my journal, pens, empty tea cups and plates leftover from mid-thought snacks. I always promise myself that If I leave all of it right where I left it that I would pick it right back up later that day after ___, or the next day. As I'm sure you guessed, the next day turns into four days later and pretty soon I've got a mess on my table for a week from a twenty minute journaling session. The next problem is I squeeze my pen too hard and always have a hand cramp almost instantly. I cannot simply hold the pen with less of a death grip or else my handwriting is illegible. Am I the only one with this problem?

     Another problem I have is that I'm a control freak. A recovering perfectionist. I want to organize my journal, to be able to look up every entry I wrote about "anxiety" or every quote I wrote that has to do with "love." I want to be able to enjoy my journal in an organized way. Somehow I turn recording my daily thoughts into writing enough to get my thoughts down but not too much to break my hand and then organizing my entire 300 page journal by topic.  I'm sure you can see how this turns more into a daunting task than a relaxing way to pass time.

     These problems I have with hand writing may seem ridiculous but they are the true for me and the best I can do is be honest. Anyway, journaling is a wonderful way for me to process my emotions, experiences and thoughts. I use it to slow down and process my day, to pause, pray and reflect on how the Lord is leading me. It helps me to re-focus and to re-inspire myself. I want more of it. I want to remove the barriers that stand between me and recording my thoughts. It is for these reasons that I want to try typing my journal on my computer.

     I'm a fast typer and always have been. When I think back to my first memories with the computer one specific picture of my brother comes to mind. He is butt naked except for a pair of super-hero whitey tighties, facing the computer with his feet tucked under him in a chair far too big for him with a mullet haircut, playing an educational computer game. The first memory I have with a computer other than this photo is my brother and I racing home every day to play "Quake" on our two computers. The big, slow desktop computers with giant screens that the cat can sit comfortably on the back of. We did that every day for as long as I remember until "Runescape" came out and then we played that until we got our playstation, gamecube, xbox and now playstation 4s. In highschool I took a typing class where I remember not having to cover my hands with a piece of cardboard when we did our daily timed typing because my teacher didn't have enough for the whole class. She said I was a quick enough typer that she wasn't worried about me peaking at my hands. I don't remember her exact quote but the point was the same. 

     I started my blog on February 25, 2011. It is January of 2016 now. Time flies by so quickly and I can't seem to get a handle on it. I read last week when preparing for a chair yoga class I teach that people spend forty something percent of their lives reminiscing about the past or planning the future. We spend half of our lives caught up in what already happened and what hasn't yet happened. Can you imagine what life would be like if we lived in the moment eighty percent of the time?

     I used to love blogging before it became a chore. I used to take pictures of almost everything I cooked, sewed or any day trip I would take. I posted it happily, shared it and asked questions to a near-silent audience. Then, I felt like nobody was listening. Why would I spend so much time on something hoping others would like  if nobody was reading it? Then I started trying to write what people would like. Everything I read on how to increase your blog following said to pick ONE topic. One thing you can write about so that people who like that topic will read it. Sounds easy, right? Wrong.  
   
I'm a complex, creative, passionate woman with diverse interests that change from day to day let alone year to year. I like to sew, but I haven't sewn since September 2014. I love yoga, but I also love cooking. I love to read the Bible and share what I learn, but I also like playing violent first person shooter videogames. I don't fit into a box that could attract a specific audience. Maybe my audience is 20-somethings who have multiple, sometimes conflicting, interests. Maybe my audience is nurse-yogi, Jesus-loving, engaged home-cooking cat moms? Maybe my audience is supposed to just be me. After multiple long breaks away from blogging, I've decided to do it for me. To write what I want to write because I want to write it. To not care about posting a equal amount of different themes posts. To write on my computer for a while because my leather bound journal is full and I type quicker than I write.
 
  This year I'm free. I decided in November that I will no longer be a slave to my perfectionism, my self-imposed rules, my self-judgment or the judgment of others. I am free because I throw off all of those negative chains and embrace who God says I am: A beloved child of The King. THE Light. A person capable of loving others and loving herself. Capable of enjoying every single moment in that moment because HE says I deserve it. He died for my sins so there is no point in me dwelling on them. 

"Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator."
Colossians 3:9-10


Blessings,

2 comments:

  1. I'm so glad to see you back blogging again, and enjoying it! I also struggled with defining my blog--I definitely don't have a "niche" and I struggle with the idea that I should have one.

    I love that thought about how much time we spend dwelling on the past or the future...one of my resolutions for this year is to spend more time living in the now and not worrying about what came before or what will come later. Easier said than done, obvs, but I'm working on it!!

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  2. I refuse to focus my blog on one thing right now. That's just not what I'm into and I would really love it if in a few years I could look back and see amazing recipes, memories, challenges, and anything else that was on my mind at the time as opposed to just what I thought could get me views... because lets be honest we can't all be blog famous, and it takes a lot of work to get there. I'd rather just be happy.

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